Infertility to 3 Kids Under 2

So let me just start with: it's hard.

Growing up I knew I wanted to have a big family. I planned on each child being 1-2 years apart and that we would grow gradually like families typically do. But then Infertility happened. We tried for years to have a baby, I heart-breakingly watched as friends had one kid, then another, and then another. In the meantime we did 2 IUI's and 1 IVF cycle with no success. After those failed attempts we went to go do something we had been talking about for a while: foster care.

It didn't just happen right away though, there was more waiting, and a lot of it. The licensing process takes forever and I was so depressed and without purpose because the one thing I wanted to do with my life (be a mother) I couldn't do.

Finally, the time came when the wait was over. We picked up the most perfect baby boy at the hospital. Those first few days I was elated, but I also cried. I cried like any new parent does. I was overwhelmed and sleep deprived. I cried thinking what had I gotten myself into. I thought maybe I wasn't fit to be a parent and that's why we couldn't have any kids. It was an emotional time for me. I was happy but overwhelmed, grateful yet fearful for the unknown. It's been several months and there are still times when I hold this baby in my arms and look at his precious face and cry. I cry because I love him so much and that scares me. I don't know how long he'll be with me and I know it will break my heart if he leaves, but I'd still rather have some time with him then none at all.

After a few months we got settled in a happy little routine and I was loving life as a mother. I had bonded with my child and everything was going so well. But I still had the hurt of infertility with me. Because of my infertility I felt behind in life. I knew several people my age who had multiple kids and I felt the need to catch up to where I thought I should be.

With this mentality, we accepted the placement of 2 more kids a few short months after we got our first placement. These two were nothing like my first. They were a little older (so not a newborn lol) and had difficult behaviors due to their trauma. The oldest would throw tantrums like I had never seen before (and I have a pretty solid background with children). He was so aggressive towards others and himself. Both children would throw tantrums all day and night. My husband and I were miserable. We were so overwhelmed and miserable that we had a hard time even liking our new placements.

My husband had been missing work to help me take care of all 3 kids because I couldn't do it alone. We couldn't keep going on that way though, my husband needed to work in order to support our family. The oldest child had such unmanageable behaviors (especially with 2 babies in the house) that we had to decide to put him in daycare during the day. It was a hard decision because as someone who once worked in a daycare I never wanted to send my kids to one, but it was the only way we could make this work. It turns out, it was exactly what he needed. Since being at daycare he has improved a ton. It turns out he had been going to a daycare while he was with his family. I think the structure and familiarity of it are just what he needed. The nights and weekends are still very difficult, especially because the home environment sets him off, but we are to a more manageable point now.

Before we got these two we were naive to the true behaviors of young kids with trauma. It's one thing to hear stories but another to experience it firsthand. We were also naive to know what life with 3 kids so young would be like. If I could do it over I would have taken things slowly and not felt rushed to add more so quickly. Knowing what I know now I also have adjusted our age range for the time being to something more manageable for us and where we are in our lives right now. We've grown to love our new additions, but we are still overwhelmed with the circumstance we find ourselves in. To my first placement I feel like a mom but to the other two I just feel like a long-term babysitter. I feel so bad for feeling this way, but maybe I just need to give it more time...